The Quiet Things That No One Ever Knows

I find myself wishing the days by lately; school is different this year.  First year at this time, I was scared to death; second year at this time, I was being worked to death.  Now, I am uncertain.  Don’t get me wrong, I love my classes, I love the fact that it no longer takes me an hour to find the rule and rational in a case, and I love the fact that I don’t go to class with that panicky feeling, hoping, wishing, I don’t get called on.  My schedule hasn’t changed much: gym, read, class, read, class, read, sleep.  My classes have not gotten any easier, although they definitely all make a lot more sense now that I have taken Con. Law.  My social life is still the same; I am lucky enough to have a wonderful support system in my friends and family.  But something is definitely different.

It’s not like I want school to end; I’d much rather be in class for 2 hours a day than at a job for 12 (Although I hear the latter pays better).  School is not easier third year, but it all sort makes sense.  I find myself spending less time briefing and more time reading and focusing on the real crux of different cases.  I also find myself questioning decisions a lot more; I used to just take opinions at face value, now I know a black robe does not make you invincible. 

I look around the school at the first years with surprising envy.  Not because I wish I was going through Legal Methods or Civ Pro again, but I am jealous they have two wonderfully terrifying years ahead of them.  That’s what is so great about law school, there is always an unknown waiting around the corner, ready to sneak up on you as soon as you think you’ve got your legal education under control.  Whether it comes in the form of an unanswerable question or in the face of that “scary” professor, there is a lure to law school that is strictly unto itself.  I also enjoyed when things did not make sense, because now they are expected to.  I remember trying to figure out who was the appellant and who was the appelle; it would take me a good half hour some nights. 

I entered law school with 1000 days to the bar; it’s now a mere 350 days away, looming ever so uneasily in my mind.  It has been there since the day I decided to apply to law school and it will be there long after I graduate.  Maybe that’s what is so different this year; law school is drawing to end and what is around the next corner isn’t as certain as graduating on to 2nd or 3rd year.  What’s so different is that for the first time in my life, my future is uncertain, gloriously and deliciously uncertain.